Crocheted Anuses & Other Beginnings

It may come as a surprise to you that I only picked up a crochet hook for the first time in April this year. It’s now August. I’ll let you do the maths.

Of course, I didn’t call it a crochet hook back then. I called it a crochet ‘needle’.  And what I actually made with that needle could hardly be called crochet.

I made this... triangular things.


Luckily, I persisted and soon branched out into crocheting small woollen anuses. At least that’s what my partner thought they were. In my defence, I was just trying to master The Magic Ring – a defence which, now I think about it, really didn’t help matters in the slightest.

I kept making anuses and granny squares trapeziums until this happened:

That's gotta have hurt...

That’s gotta have hurt…

It was at this grave juncture that I pushed all talk of needles aside and bought a proper hook that must have been forged from the tears of angels, such was the gravity of its price tag.

Is it just me or does this thing look like it might double as a rectal thermometer?

Is it just me or does this thing look like it might double as a rectal thermometer?

And now here I am, [you do the maths] months later, 131 squares into a Forever Blanket and writing a craft blog. Let us pause for a moment while you go back and actually do the maths.

Of course, there may come a day where we all wish I’d kept my rectal hook and woollen anuses to myself. I’d like to think TODAY IS NOT THIS DAY (*charges, rectal hook drawn, towards the BlackGate with a whole heap of men with plaited beards*).


4 thoughts on “Crocheted Anuses & Other Beginnings

  1. I have “sic’d” my sister onto you. (Do you know about “sic’ing” in the USA? I forget which of my slang words are American and which are Australian. That’s what happens after living 44 years in a ‘new’ country. In case you don’t know the term, think of it like me releasing my salivating alsatian guard dog onto the oncoming you, as you enter my front gate!)

    My sister is such a manic crochet-er, I’m sure she makes squares in her sleep – since her usual pieces (mini-animal heads, exquisite flowers, fruits and veggies fashioned into brooches – oops! ‘veggies’ may be another Australianism) are too intricate to be crocheted while sleeping. But she also has rather a wicket wit. So I knew she’d enjoy your latest blogging venture – as do I!


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